This is hard to write, and so important. I have journeyed a long way since the passing of my mom. Her death was the catalyst that started everything. It had me search for my spiritual being, embrace the things I couldn’t control, realize I had no control, help me develop love and adoration for myself, and nurture an incredible bond between my aunt (her baby sister) and I.
Through all the grief, disorientation, and pain, Mom’s death was a blessing. It was when I knew I had to start living the way I wanted to and embrace what came my way. Looking back with new perspective, losing my mom feels like the beginning, not the end. It was the beginning of my dreams. It was the beginning of my spiritual exploration and the conscious attunement to something beyond myself. It was a taste of freedom that I never knew existed. The loss of control and the blessings and beauty that came from the situation just reinforce how everything happens in the right order and at the right time, as long as you’re willing to see each situation as a teacher and a gift. Even death.
I’ve had to face death again, and again it has been a profound experience, this time with the death of my beautiful and wise aunt (Mom’s baby sister). With Mom, the learning came in the years following, in being taken over by and working through the pain, anguish and suffering that came up, and learning from it all as I continued through life. It hurt, I suffered from a lack of awareness and it pushed me to seek within myself because I couldn’t manage the pain anymore.
This time, with my aunt, feels so different. It hurts, deeply. I’m sad that I’ll be without her as I celebrate bringing my own dreams to reality, and I’m mourning being the last descendant of my matrilineal family. I again feel the numbness that comes after a death, the protective cover that helps you transition back into a world that looks the same but is now so different. I feel like I know more about myself, the things I need to do to support this change, and also that I can’t possibly know what to expect in the grieving process, just that it will unfold as it needs to in each situation. Although the loss and disorientation is still present, so is a new sense of welcoming what comes with love and gentleness.
This time, I was able to share the experience of dying. Many people shy away from this, thinking they may not be able to handle it, that it may be scary, but I promised her that I would be there. I made a commitment to her and I wanted to be with her through the whole journey. I did that and I am truly thankful that she was willing to share that gift with me. The gift of dying and death. The gift of feeling the pain and suffering throughout the process and into today. The gift of being able to fully experience light and darkness at the same time and be compassionate with myself.
In embracing the pain and suffering that comes from deep inner work and meeting life as it presents itself, I have shared the most incredible growth with her. Together we have delved into a world of unimaginable healing. With love and support and hours upon hours of divinely centred phone conversations all the way to holding her hand as she exhaled her last breath, she helped set me on the path of creating my dreams and living from a place that I didn’t know existed. I now know that I am the Goddess; an incredible, strong, vulnerable woman. I also know that I am divine Light and Darkness, and that is my power.
I know too, that you are the Goddess.
I know that you yearn to let Her out and show the world how much you have to offer. I see it in your eyes, in your brilliant grin, in the way you try to hide the sensual nature of your being and how it shines through the cracks anyway. I see the fear that you have around letting your light escape and radiate, fear that you may frighten someone who isn’t comfortable with your true luminosity. I also feel the pain and suffering that you are trying to hide, the dark that is equally as powerful and even more potent than your light. This darkness, the pain and suffering you’re holding, is the most powerful fuel you could ask for – this is pure Goddess energy when it mingles with your light. Pure awareness waiting to be accepted and loved and put to use.
Life is way too short to hide any of the woman you are. The world is waiting for that expression of the Goddess that only you can bring into being through your own light and dark experiences.
I know there are lots of ‘buts’ for you to throw into the argument. You’ll argue logically and show realistic examples, all points that are perfectly reasonable for why now isn’t the right time. You’ll say a dive into the darkness is messy and unpredictable and there’s no time for it now. But the only time is now. It won’t ever be easy. Start, and feel the power of your creative energy.
When I started bringing together and honouring both my light and darkness, I never saw this coming. I wanted to feel better; not so out of control, overwhelmed, anxious, and miserable. I thought it was a result of a work relationship. I wanted to be able to handle the situation and show the world that I was good enough.
That was the start of being coached and the start of acknowledging my power. I didn’t want to talk about the things I thought were wrong with my life because I thought it would show my weakness and would prove that no matter how successful and put together – I was still not quite up to par. The crazy thing I found, as I trusted and moved further into it, was it was all me. I was the only obstacle and only solution. It was all me, the light and the darkness.
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Fast forward 6 years, where, by fully embracing the darkest parts of me and fusing them with my light, I began to bravely create a dream that isn’t contingent on the approval of people around me. I feel able to shine and I be truly me. I am scared and exhilarated. I am fearful of what people will say about what I’m pursuing and also passionately energized by the response inside me. These feelings are all arising from within me, not from me seeking them somewhere outside of me and all of it started with a coach who helped me use my light to acknowledge and harness my darkness.
My aunt was the most amazing role model for honouring and embracing everything that resides within us and using it to grow, learn, and heal. She knew that every aspect of her was part of the whole and part of herself, even the dis-ease. She knew that honouring it all – physical, emotional, and spiritual – leads to higher awareness and healing.
I’m facing some tough stuff right now, there is no denying that it’s going to hurt and I’m going to continue to grieve. I also know that feeling these raw feelings fully not only makes me stronger, but brings an immense sense of peace. I am a woman who uses this opportunity, another one I can’t control, to create great things in my life. The life of my dreams. No bars held. My life is too short to waste worrying about whether my inner journey makes others uncomfortable. The darkness that comes with deep loss is also the light that creates pure joy and getting there can be uncomfortable. We can’t have joy without embracing the pain and suffering that lies within it.
I know it’s scary to think about turning your life upside down and starting down the road that leads to your dreams, but it’s worth it. Sometimes we don’t get the choice of what happens in our lives, but we certainly get the choice of how we handle it. I choose to become more loving, gentle, uncompromising in my desires, and accountable to myself. I choose the deepest level of personal integrity to my dreams and I choose growth. Despite the pain of loss, I wouldn’t change my life for anything.
When my aunt was nearing death she shared one of her nuggets, a refreshing perspective in an emotional situation, she said, “just because it’s the end of my world doesn’t mean it’s the end of THE world.” She’s right, it may just be the beginning.
Sending my love, support, and gratitude.
