I had a contrast breast MRI on Thursday afternoon. It was no small feat getting to the appointment, nor was returning home any less of an adventure. Basically nothing went to plan except, thankfully, the MRI itself. I again amassed evidence that I am tough AF, tenacious, and a force when there is something to which I am devoted. I feel proud of how I met and flowed with a series of random unrelated calamities that could have each individually taken me out, but which hardly phased me.
This MRI appointment has been in the works for nearly 7 months and has taken my diligence in ensuring it happened, asking questions, being a fierce and compassionate advocate for myself, and holding steady through the wait. “January 18, 2024 – MRI, EKRH” has been an anchor in my calendar that I haven’t really planned nor explored beyond, a touchpoint for my mind, a way to hold course with what is in my control and a way to let go of what is not within my control. It has been the thing that has allowed me to have a rest from active advocating and following up on the progress of this surgery, because in order to undergo the surgery, this procedure was a requirement. It was something that was occurring ‘next year’ and something that was solidly between me and a double mastectomy. Thursday, that dissolved in a short 15 minute procedure.
Arriving home after the coldest 5 hour drive I have ever experienced and climbing into the hot bathtub to reheat my body, it all hit me unexpectedly. This surgery is real, it is coming sooner than later, even if I don’t know when that is. It is removing parts of my body that have much meaning, identity, emotion, grief, and more recently love, pleasure, and adoration attached to them. I am making a choice that feels true and right for me, no doubt, and which I hope helps me lead a long, healthy, happy life. It is also a choice that will change the course of my life and take me on a path different from the one my mom and aunt didn’t have the opportunity to choose. Yes, I am scared, but what washed over me was not fear, but grief, sadness, and longing. This surgery brings up so many emotions around my mom. It brings up longing for her to hold me and comfort me and tell me I’m doing the right thing and that she is proud of me for choosing what feels best to me. It resurfaces the ways I helped my aunt tend her bleeding breast as she was dying, and hold her hand chanting to her as she struggled to breathe. It brings up sorrow and regret for all the ways I have not loved my body in my younger years and how meanly I talked to myself, in many cases specifically to my breasts for not being what I thought they should be. It brings up feelings of being alone, without Mom and Aunt.
I cried in the bath, wailing while holding a breast in each palm, cradling my body yet feeling comforted and cradled BY my body. I noticed the part of me that was hurting, grieving, feeling sadness, and also noticed the deepest sense of ‘everything will be okay’ and ‘I will be okay’ arising FROM my body, the knowingness of my body, not of my mind. Yesterday’s bath feels like the beginning of “Ceremony of Breast Surgery” and that the container for breast surgery feels like it is officially beginning and opening for the journey.
I’ve been feeling a lot today, more tender than I expected, more open than I expected, more compassion towards myself than I knew I had in me. I noticed how I honoured my body before commencing work on my workshop – realizing that ‘the work’ was first and foremost honouring my experience in relation to my own journey and then how that work flows into what I am offering for other women on similar surgery journeys.
As I’ve said, this feels like a beginning, an opening ceremony, at least part of the opening ceremony. I want to be witnessed in this, to share the sharp edge that is reality after insulating myself from it for a period while waiting for the MRI. Really, I’m inviting you to walk with me on this journey, not knowing yet where it will end up, nor how it will look, but knowing that outside of details of each situation, we’re all on journeys that would benefit from the companionship of community.
